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Entries Tagged as 'Personal Favorites'

Quick Favor

July 1st, 2006 9 Comments

If it’s not too much to ask, please don’t use my car for target practice!

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Midtown Crows

February 12th, 2006 10 Comments

Every day in Midtown at approximately 5:30 hundreds of crows gather in the trees directly above my parked car to get a clear vantage point of potential targets, one of which usually ends up being my car! Argh! It is from here that they shit their way around the city and do whatever else it is that crows do. So while my poor car is painted with a fresh coat of milky-white excrement, crows flock by the dozens and begin to fill the trees branch by branch until the trees have room for no more. At an early stage it usually looks something like this:

And before you know it there are too many to count and the sky is filled with crows coming in for a landing. While I sat waiting for the crows to arrive/ depart many people passed by and asked me about the crows and exactly what I was doing there; I must have looked out of place or something just sitting there with a camera. And one of the more humorous comments that I got came from a British guy. He said, “Do you speak crow?” I thought that it was kind of funny, especially with the British accent, but you probably would have had to be there… Yeah.

For whatever reason, the crows usually wait until it’s a bit darker before they make their impressive lift off for the next set of trees. So there I was just waiting to get my shot of the crows and meanwhile, the crows cawed by the hundreds, which is always something that draws people out of their homes and businesses in the neighborhood. It can get pretty loud. (It might be difficult to see how many crows there actually are up there but if you consider that there are no leaves in these trees right now and how many black dots you see, it’s kind of a lot.)

So finally, after waiting for nearly twenty minutes the crows were all cleared for take off. You always know when they are about to take off because they get really loud. After a good ten seconds of ear-splitting caws, camera focused in on subject and trigger finger set to shoot, I was ready but not for what followed.

Splatter. Splatter. Splatter. I thought to myself, “Oh, shit!” I mean, literally, that’s what was happening. They began to take off and release their ammunition. It started out kind of far away but I soon realized that trouble was coming my way and it was time for me to fly out of there myself. I ran in the direction of our house, which was naturally the flight path of the crows, and I could hear the sound of the bombs going off behind me. Splat. Splat. Splat. It wasn’t long before I felt something on my arm. I was hit.

In the end, I didn’t get the shot of all of the crows taking off in unison and my car and I became victims of target practice, but hey, it’s not the first time that something like this has happened, right? It’s 5:54 and I can hear the crows outside. It’s getting pretty loud so that means that I had better go and move my wood project out of the backyard!!! Bird crap and wet stain do not mix!

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屎人

January 18th, 2006 5 Comments

At approximately 12:34 in the morning I was reminded of the perfect word to describe the all too many unfortunate events that have cropped up lately. Sairan (屎人). It’s a Taiwanese word comprised of two characters: shit () and person (). And the meaning is exactly that, shit person! This is a term used to describe a person who has “shit” happening to them all the time; hence, shit person. And I think that this is a pretty good word to describe me lately–the car window, cell phone incident, and now this door knob thing! Oh, that’s what I have to explain to you.

So I got up for a quick trip to the bathroom at 12:34 last night (early this morning, actually) and I reached for the bedroom door and of all the unexpected things that could have happened, with no other explanation other than I am a sairan, the door knob fell off! Just like that, I turned the knob and it fell to the floor. It may not sound like a big deal but it is, because without it I was locked in the bedroom! I just wanted to go pee and get back to counting sheep. Why, oh, why does this shit happen to me?!

Without tools and a bladder that was ready to explode, my attempt to somehow reattach the knob was simply not working. Taking the hinges off the door with a pair of scissors, swiping a credit card through to somehow unjam the door, and trying everything else that one can think of doing in the middle of the night didn’t move the door an inch. So to make a long story short, I had to climb out of my bedroom window in the rain–not a safe thing to do because it’s pretty high up and all wet outside–and go over to the property manager’s place, barefoot and in my PJ’s. I did eventually get the door unlocked but not without a stupid fight with the property manager. That, I will not talk about here. It was ugly and I am trying to forget that it even happened. A late night it was last night!

When they say that shit happens, they aren’t kidding. I’m really tired of being a sairan. I could really use a stroke of luck here. Only so many bad things can happen before something good comes along, right? Now is the time for something good!!!

DISCLAIMER: (1) sairan is not a nice word so don’t use it. (2) sorry for using so much harsh language tonight. (3) and, as self-deprecating as I may sound in this blog, that is not the case at all. Okay? So just laugh with me if you will! How about some knob jokes? Oh, and no animals were hurt in the creation of this blog! ha

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Can You Hear Me Now?

January 12th, 2006 6 Comments

Today’s advice: be sure to check your pockets before you do a load of wash. You never know what might be hiding deep down inside! Yes, I did it. I washed my cell phone along with my shirts, pants, and underwear. All came clean and shine like never before but for some reason my phone doesn’t seem to be working! I can’t imagine why. So, folks, I will be without a cell phone for a short while. Fortunately, forty minutes submerged in soapy water wasn’t enough to ruin the chip inside of my phone; so as soon as I get my hands on a new phone, I’ll be able to plug it in and use it right away. In fact, I will be doing that from time to time with Farah’s phone so that I can check my messages! It’s amazing how this technology works. Anyway, if you need to reach me, you can either call me on Farah’s phone or send me an email. And hey, if anybody has any old phones that can house my chip, I would love to talk with you about working something out! Friends, don’t forget to check your pockets!!!

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Our PC Holiday Tree

December 1st, 2005 11 Comments

Whether you are a letter carrier, parking enforcer, admin officer, liquid recoating specialist, or perhaps a flight attendant, and even if you are aurally, optically, horizontally, or of all things, follicularily challenged, or comb-free, respectively, it doesn’t matter. If you are a negative saver, nasally repetitive, thermally incompatible, athletically biased, socially misaligned, or god forbid, motivationally deficient, it still does not matter. From the domestic engineer to the utensil sanitizer, from the sanitation engineer to the involuntarily leisured, little people and Canine Americans alike all know that a Christmas tree is not a “Holiday Tree” but a Christmas tree!!

p.s. I could say a lot more on this subject but I don’t want to get too worked-up tonight. I just want to call a Christmas tree a Christmas tree without being offensive. By the way, Ryan & Jenny, thank you so much for the tree! We love it!

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